Skip to main content

goodbye


Dear Insecure, Unstable, Unlovable Girl,

It’s not you. It’s me. Honest.

I’ve outgrown your skin. I’m too big to live wrapped up tight in your shell, being an observer in my own life. I want to be the main character in my story. I’m no longer content to pass through my days listening to the voices in my head that write my life for me. I want to create my own magic.

I’ve met this man. He’s a good man. He makes me laugh. He shows me all the ways I’m beautiful. He grounds me with his kisses and loves me inside my mess. But sometimes, I feel so lonely even when I’m wrapped in his arms. Then, late at night, I cry. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m exhausted.

I want to laugh all the time. To smile every moment, even in the chaotic, disappointing ones. I want to smile because I’m me. And being me is good. Being me is enough. I want to be present with my family, really present. I want to see and taste and smell them in the seconds that we share together. I want to experience every molecule of forever in the first person from now on.

I’m waking up from the distorted daydreams of insecurity, instability and shame. The real me isn’t you. It’s my greatest desire to wake up excited for the day, knowing I have a purpose, that I love deeply and that I am loved deeply in return. I’ve come to learn those things aren’t possible if I’m with you. It’s time I lived on my own.

Thank you for seeing me through my darkest moments. You preserved us when I wasn’t able to. You soldiered on, carrying the weight of us both for so long. It’s hard to let you go, we’ve been through so much together. You’re the only one that’s ever truly understood. I’m scared. I’m crying thinking of letting you go forever. But, my dear girl, it’s time. It is time for you to rest and time for me to break free from our gilded cage and fly for us both. I’ll carry me from now on.

I will never forget you. I won’t forget your pain, your longsuffering, or your remarkable capacity for love.

Though we can no longer continue on together, know that I dedicate all my molecules and moments of forever to you.

All my love,
The New Stable, Secure, Loveable Womanly Me



Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

the non-accomplishment list

Well, the deadline came and went yesterday.  And no, my book is not finished.  If it was, I would be shouting it from the rooftops on a megaphone attached to sub-woofers, broadcasting at sonic-boom decibels.  Sigh. I have been trying not to be super depressed or down on myself the last few days as I came to realize that I wasn't going to be able to meet my goal and have my work-in-progress completed by September 17th as I had made a pact with my BWFE (best-writing-friend-ever), Becca, that I would.  To pull myself out of the dumps and come a terms with how imperfect life is and how plans, even cemented ones, have a way of crumbling into microscopic dust, I have decided to make a list of all my non-accomplishments over the last six weeks and see if I can find a reason why my WIP is yet to be finished. (I must say though, I am uber close, like 2-3 chapters away from the end! I will finish within the next 2 weeks!!) My Non-Accomplishment List In the last six we...
6 comments
Read more

It's January... well it was at any rate.

*I began writing this last month, but have been stalling finishing, because vulnerability is scary and it's sacred.  I don't write this lightly, but I write it in hopes that somewhere someone else needs to hear what I have to say. Three years ago, my father died.  It was January 4, 2011.  On January 6, 2011, I called my husband and said, "Congratulations, we have a 400 lb.. 12 year old.  He's a mess, but he's ours."  And I smiled. And I cried.  Because as those words came out of my mouth, the reality set in: our lives would never be the same.  I was scared to death.  I was having second thoughts.  I was anxious about how we would actually do this.  And then a peace settled back into me as God reminded me that no matter what happened next, this was the right thing to do and He was with us every step of the way. And He has been.  But that doesn't mean it's been pleasant... or pretty... or calm... or happy.  It's been a very...
7 comments
Read more

Spin me right 'round baby, 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, walk 5000 miles, do the Hokey Pokey and that's what it's all about.

Do you ever have those moments when you realize you are just a dog chasing your own tail? How about, ever have a moment when the world as you know it falls out from under you, or crumbs around you? Ever thought you were ascending the stairway of heaven and discovered that it's a stair master and you weren't actually going anywhere... and in the meantime you are sweating to death and your thighs are on fire? Yeah, I have those moments a lot. Life is just disgustingly hard sometimes, isn't it? Murphy and his notorious law--"If anything can go wrong, it will"--follow me everywhere... even in my sleep. Now I don't want to sound like a total cynic, but it truly has been my experience that, "If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on." Thanks again, Murphy, you're awesome. There are times when I feel like Alice in Wonderland, befuddled and confused, falling through a never-ending hole, never sur...
3 comments
Read more