This Side of Invisible

  A few weeks ago, there was a total solar eclipse. There have only been 15 visible in various parts of the United States in the last 150 years, making it a once in a lifetime experience for many. The anticipatory excitement was palpable, parties were planned, venues were booked out months in advance; the metroplex experienced a shortage of porta-potties due to the influx of visitors, all flocking here to witness the miraculous workings of the universe. At the moment of totality, when the world was cast into darkness, there was a collective gasp. Then crowds erupted in exclamations of wonder. High fives, fist bumps, and hugs were abundant as on-lookers basked in the ordered glory of the laws of physics.  photo credit As the minutes stretched on, a soul-deep quiet settled.The world stilled. We breathed as one. Some put hands to their hearts as our infinite smallness grew under the umbrella of that moment, when time and space stood still. Suddenly, with a burst of light, the spe...

In the memorable words of Dr. Ian Malcolm played by the incomprable Jeff Goldblum, "Life finds a way." Even when we don't want it to, when we can't keep up, when we're exhausted... it just keeps coming. Life simply happens. But we must remember that we are created to be agents of action, not simply objects to be acted upon. Life comes at us unbidden, but we too can create the life we want. We can be the life unbidden. Life isn't merely something that happens around us, it's not just a force happening to us. Life happens within us. And with each exhale, we can speak life into existence all around us. We just have to be intentional, choosing moment to moment how to expend our energy. You are a child of God, the Great Creator; the DNA of creation makes up your every molecule. Don't wait to be bidden. Don't wait for approval. Listen to the beating of your own lifeforce. What life will you release into the world today? Now available: Life...

Anyone that follows my blog... ehem, all two of you... has probably noticed that the tone has changed over the last year. I've written less and what I have written, some of it has been almost cryptic. There's a reason for that. I've been struggling with this question: How do I write my story when it involves so many others? Perhaps this is the answer: Also, Ernest Hemingway said, "Write hard and clear about what hurts." So here it is:  I was sexual abused as a child. The pit of snakes in my stomach are alive and biting after typing that for all the world to see. So much shame. And yet, I feel empowered. Strength is running through my veins at the liberation that owning this statement brings. It's not that I need to wear it as a badge, but not being able to have an open dialogue about it is suffocating. And yet, having an open dialogue about it often leaves me feeling too exposed. Ya know? Vulnerability hang-overs suck. Mostly, I...

The house is quiet… mostly. Except for the whispers of my boys who are determined not to sleep. Not that I can blame them, there’s a pretty awesome thunderstorm happening right now. I’m sitting in my dark office, watching lightning illuminate the world outside the large picture window. The almost dead, but refusing to die tree in the front yard is rocking rather precariously over my husband’s car. If I close my eyes and listen, I can hear the sophisticated symphony of the storm: wind whooshing, thunder rumbling soft and low in the distance, and rain slapping and tapping and patting the world around me. It’s a lovely lullaby. And yet, I can’t sleep. It's ironic that just a week or so after Bruncle was admitted to a residential treatment facility I was approached about publishing this essay about him. It was almost painful to say "Yes, I'd love to have it published" when it seemed to be null and void. It's not. Not completely anyway, but it felt li...

Let's be clear, I'm not God. Nor am I His spokesperson. But I have studied His words for the majority of my life. I've poured my heart out to Him. I have listened to His still, small voice. And, I hope, I've learned a few things about Him. Of course, I could be wrong... but as I understand it--in my understanding of God's love for His children--this is why He doesn't save all the starving orphans, all the children born into abuse, all the mothers who lose their little ones, all the little ones who never get to take their first breath of Earthly air, all the fathers who mourn the innocence of their children gone to the wiles of addiction and fornication, all the parents that never get to experience children of their own, all the men and women that lose their jobs, their families, their lives, all His children that experience pain in all its gloriously pervasive forms... Because God doesn't keep any of his children home. What does that mean? Let me expla...

*I began writing this last month, but have been stalling finishing, because vulnerability is scary and it's sacred.  I don't write this lightly, but I write it in hopes that somewhere someone else needs to hear what I have to say. Three years ago, my father died.  It was January 4, 2011.  On January 6, 2011, I called my husband and said, "Congratulations, we have a 400 lb.. 12 year old.  He's a mess, but he's ours."  And I smiled. And I cried.  Because as those words came out of my mouth, the reality set in: our lives would never be the same.  I was scared to death.  I was having second thoughts.  I was anxious about how we would actually do this.  And then a peace settled back into me as God reminded me that no matter what happened next, this was the right thing to do and He was with us every step of the way. And He has been.  But that doesn't mean it's been pleasant... or pretty... or calm... or happy.  It's been a very...

Make Lemonade? "If [When] life gives you lemons, don't settle for simply making lemonade-- make a glorious scene at a lemonade stand." ~Elizabeth Gilbert We all know the old saying, 'when life gives you lemons make lemonade', right?  I'm hear to tell how it's done. Life gives us lots and lots and lots of lemons.  Those bitter-sour moments of painful alertness that challenge our mood and our sanity.  Those trying times that in retrospect are sometimes humorous and sometimes even more painful.  There are times in my life where the stream of incoming lemon bombs is never-ending and exhausting.  For example, after months of being financially up the creak without a paddle, we are finally gaining some ground and then-LEMON BOMB-my husband got a flat, totally-irreparable tire on his way to work today... which will, without a doubt, rip our recently required paddles from our fists.  Thankfully, my take on lemons and my knowledge of lemonade-making ha...

By now, I'm sure, you've realized that what you stole from me has little to no worldly value.  Of course, you might get a few hundred dollars for the DVDs, iPod, jacket and bag you took, but my scriptures, my journal, my family history research that were in that bag can have little value to anyone but me and my posterity.  Well, maybe that's not exactly true. What if you opened my scriptures and saw the notes in the margins?  Could you feel how much I wanted to be a better mother by all the notes I made regarding parenting? For instance, near Alma 56:48 "And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saving: We do not doubt our mothers knew it."  I had written in the margins something like "There is no substitute for a righteous mother."  What if you read all the verses I had highlighted and underlined and cross-referenced?  Hopefully, you'd learn how much I valued things like prayer, fasting, family, covenants, and the Savior, Jesus Christ...

... believe in God when you look into the face of a child? Need I say more? "And He took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them."(3 Nephi 17:21)

I couldn't help but ponder some things as I came across this new born tree today. First, this is a tree. Notice how is grows from this rock. This is a miracle of nature, but it is also a reminder of something greater. In the Book of Mormon we read the following: As Helaman gives counsel to his sons, he leaves them with this great, profound truth. "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation: that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." In shear irony, as I wandered back to the car, thinking of this little tree and the above verse, it did, in fact, ...