This Side of Invisible

  A few weeks ago, there was a total solar eclipse. There have only been 15 visible in various parts of the United States in the last 150 years, making it a once in a lifetime experience for many. The anticipatory excitement was palpable, parties were planned, venues were booked out months in advance; the metroplex experienced a shortage of porta-potties due to the influx of visitors, all flocking here to witness the miraculous workings of the universe. At the moment of totality, when the world was cast into darkness, there was a collective gasp. Then crowds erupted in exclamations of wonder. High fives, fist bumps, and hugs were abundant as on-lookers basked in the ordered glory of the laws of physics.  photo credit As the minutes stretched on, a soul-deep quiet settled.The world stilled. We breathed as one. Some put hands to their hearts as our infinite smallness grew under the umbrella of that moment, when time and space stood still. Suddenly, with a burst of light, the spe...

In the memorable words of Dr. Ian Malcolm played by the incomprable Jeff Goldblum, "Life finds a way." Even when we don't want it to, when we can't keep up, when we're exhausted... it just keeps coming. Life simply happens. But we must remember that we are created to be agents of action, not simply objects to be acted upon. Life comes at us unbidden, but we too can create the life we want. We can be the life unbidden. Life isn't merely something that happens around us, it's not just a force happening to us. Life happens within us. And with each exhale, we can speak life into existence all around us. We just have to be intentional, choosing moment to moment how to expend our energy. You are a child of God, the Great Creator; the DNA of creation makes up your every molecule. Don't wait to be bidden. Don't wait for approval. Listen to the beating of your own lifeforce. What life will you release into the world today? Now available: Life...

This time last year, I was salivating for a new year full of opportunity. I was aching for new chances to learn, to grow, to prove myself, to improve myself. And I had this great plan to help me accomplish all these dreams I had: I was going to have a word for my new year. I was going to research my word, dive into my word and let it guide me through my year. This word had to be perfect, had to sum up all the things I wanted to be, to do, to gain. I found the perfect word. Fixed. I mean, that word was so many things. I defined how I wanted to feel, what I wanted to become, how I wanted to live. I wanted to be fixed mentally and emotionally, healed from past hurts and freed from those things that had once haunted me. I wanted to be fixed in my course of moving towards financial peace and prosperity. I wanted to be fixed in my ways of believing in myself, allowing myself to dream, allowing myself to achieve. I wanted to be fixed, firmly rooted in my life, present every moment, t...

The house is quiet… mostly. Except for the whispers of my boys who are determined not to sleep. Not that I can blame them, there’s a pretty awesome thunderstorm happening right now. I’m sitting in my dark office, watching lightning illuminate the world outside the large picture window. The almost dead, but refusing to die tree in the front yard is rocking rather precariously over my husband’s car. If I close my eyes and listen, I can hear the sophisticated symphony of the storm: wind whooshing, thunder rumbling soft and low in the distance, and rain slapping and tapping and patting the world around me. It’s a lovely lullaby. And yet, I can’t sleep. It's ironic that just a week or so after Bruncle was admitted to a residential treatment facility I was approached about publishing this essay about him. It was almost painful to say "Yes, I'd love to have it published" when it seemed to be null and void. It's not. Not completely anyway, but it felt li...

Let's be clear, I'm not God. Nor am I His spokesperson. But I have studied His words for the majority of my life. I've poured my heart out to Him. I have listened to His still, small voice. And, I hope, I've learned a few things about Him. Of course, I could be wrong... but as I understand it--in my understanding of God's love for His children--this is why He doesn't save all the starving orphans, all the children born into abuse, all the mothers who lose their little ones, all the little ones who never get to take their first breath of Earthly air, all the fathers who mourn the innocence of their children gone to the wiles of addiction and fornication, all the parents that never get to experience children of their own, all the men and women that lose their jobs, their families, their lives, all His children that experience pain in all its gloriously pervasive forms... Because God doesn't keep any of his children home. What does that mean? Let me expla...

*I began writing this last month, but have been stalling finishing, because vulnerability is scary and it's sacred.  I don't write this lightly, but I write it in hopes that somewhere someone else needs to hear what I have to say. Three years ago, my father died.  It was January 4, 2011.  On January 6, 2011, I called my husband and said, "Congratulations, we have a 400 lb.. 12 year old.  He's a mess, but he's ours."  And I smiled. And I cried.  Because as those words came out of my mouth, the reality set in: our lives would never be the same.  I was scared to death.  I was having second thoughts.  I was anxious about how we would actually do this.  And then a peace settled back into me as God reminded me that no matter what happened next, this was the right thing to do and He was with us every step of the way. And He has been.  But that doesn't mean it's been pleasant... or pretty... or calm... or happy.  It's been a very...

There is verse of scripture that reads:   " for the  Spirit  speaketh the  truth  and lieth not. Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really  are , and of things as they really will be; wherefore, these things are manifested unto us  plainly , for the salvation of our souls. " ( Jacob 4:13 )  And this morning as I lounged in my bed, refusing to get out from under my down comforter, there was a bit of truth running around in my head.  A touch of something as it really is that has been nagging at me and, finally, I was able to give it a name. Romance. Wait.  What? That's right, I'm talking about romance.  Can the Spirit teach us about such things?  Certainly. You see, I posted this to facebook two nights ago:   "Writing poetry by firelight. My world is rather romantic. Or it would be if boys weren't having a bionicle war at my feet,  the laundry from winter ice storm adventures wasn't piling up ...

It was a dreary English January morning, the sky was an oppressive grey and cold, wet mist enveloped everything. The kids had mad cabin fever and my husband was deployed to an unnamable location.  We were nearing the end of a trying Christmas holiday--everyone had had strep, which, when you have a child with Asperger's and the doctor wants a throat culture means you've just gone to Hell and Back; Thing 1 had climbed atop a radiator and pulled it off the wall, dumping gallon upon gallon of boiling black water onto the office floor; it was our first holiday without Daddy, you get the picture--and I was pushing aside my guilt and instead allowing myself to revel in excitement that the kids would soon be going back to school. And then, red gatorade. My arch nemesis. I hate red drinks.  Whoever invented them... is not my favorite person. An entire 20 oz bottle of red gatorade spilled on my  my landlord's carpet!  In the middle of the living room.  No furniture ...

Seriously. Mean Girls, making life miserable for girls and women everywhere since... forever! I remember every encounter I had with means girls growing up; from salt in my hair at a slumber party, to rejection on the playground, to the taunts in PE freshman year, and all the name calling in the halls and whispered rumors behind hands, it was all ridiculously petty, and unfortunately it was also more hurtful than I could have imagined.   It shouldn't hurt.  It shouldn't matter what so-and-so thinks of me.  At least, that's what I used to tell myself.  But the fact is that it did.  A lot.  As if every girl doesn't have enough of a struggle trying to find her value in a world of such conflicting expectations--be sexy, but don't be a whore; be educated, but don't be a know-it-all; be a good mother, but make sure you can rule the board room too; make the best treats, soccer mom, and while you're at it, get that second degree too; speak up for what yo...

I'm come to the conclusion that one of the hardest things to do is being forgiving of oneself. Lately, I have had cause to reflect on those times in my life when I have felt the most worthless, the most incapable, the most disgusting or the most unproductive.  And you know what: Usually, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with how much I am evaluating others and pitting their performance against my own. She has more time.  He has more money to give.  They don't have as many kids as I do.  They have more kids than I do and are so on top of it all.  She is a more talented singer than me.  His job is more prestigious.  Their child is getting a full-ride to college.  She is so organized, so crafty, such a good cook.  He is so handy, so cheerful, such an involved father.  Their marriage is ideal.  They have a boat.  Their kids don't have behavior issues.  What am I doing wrong? And the list goes on and ...

As harvest season is finally upon us--can I tell you how excited I am for cooler weather?--my thoughts have turned back to last fall as we harvested our own garden. Last year was the first year that we were able to have a garden.  My husband and I went from being college students to a military family and are now back to college students, therefore we have always lived in rentals or base housing, none of which allowed us to toil in the dirt.  This past summer, however, we were fortunate to live in a house where a raised bed was already in the backyard.  So it was that last May (late in the season in Texas, I came to find out), the kids and I set about preparing the soil with the help of my green-thumbed mother-in-law. It was thrilling, the dirt beneath our fingernails, the unearthed worms, the pleasure of a dark black, de-weeded bed ready for planting.  The kids were hard to contain at Lowe's as we picked out the plants for our garden.  Tomatoes, strawberries...

The surest way to bring tears to my eyes: in your moment of vulnerability, tell me you love me.  I will feel honored, blessed beyond deserving and like the luckiest girl in the world.  This is something my husband gets. I'm going to tread lightly with this next thought, because I love the freedom we have to write whatever is in our hearts and I don't want to heard as only saying I don't think women should be writing about women's issues... but, I have to say, it makes me sad how few articles, blog posts and even status updates there are praising the good men of the world.  Good men, like my husband.  Good men that work long hours at thankless jobs... just like their wives.  Good men that pull double duty, going to school and working full-time... just like their wives.  Good men that love their children, sacrifice daily for their happiness... just like their wives.  Good men that are overwhelmed with the various and conflicting expectations placed...

I had the opportunity to speak in church today.  And because this is my blog I get to share it here :) When Brother Willis called me last week and said, “I don’t know why, but the Lord won’t let this go… you’re supposed to give this talk,” I knew exactly why.   This lesson is one I have been fortunate enough to really learn over the last year.   This talk was, in fact, 33 years in making.   I have had a lot of time and multiple opportunities to learn these things.   And it has made all the difference in my life. In Mosiah chapter 4 we read: And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God…  And behold, ...

I read somewhere recently a simple proverb that has had a profound effect on my mentality: Every flower and every tree must grow through the dirt. and some even have enough courage and fortitude to grow through the rocks... Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ J.K. Rowlings This is something that I once again reflected on during Sunday School today.  We were talking about trials and afflictions and those inevitable questions and attitudes we can develop when going through hard times.   Why does this have to happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why does a loving God allows such tragedies to occur?  How can He sit by and watch and not intervene?  Why won't He step in and help me/us/them?  When will it ever end?

By now, I'm sure, you've realized that what you stole from me has little to no worldly value.  Of course, you might get a few hundred dollars for the DVDs, iPod, jacket and bag you took, but my scriptures, my journal, my family history research that were in that bag can have little value to anyone but me and my posterity.  Well, maybe that's not exactly true. What if you opened my scriptures and saw the notes in the margins?  Could you feel how much I wanted to be a better mother by all the notes I made regarding parenting? For instance, near Alma 56:48 "And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saving: We do not doubt our mothers knew it."  I had written in the margins something like "There is no substitute for a righteous mother."  What if you read all the verses I had highlighted and underlined and cross-referenced?  Hopefully, you'd learn how much I valued things like prayer, fasting, family, covenants, and the Savior, Jesus Christ...

Published on the Liahona Project, link here Something I always tell my children: "It's not about you.  It's about what you are doing and how that effects those around you."  Of course, that is the lecture they hear when they are doing things wrong, when they are having a negative effect.  You know, to help them see that they can't just behave like monkeys and do whatever they want.  I have been beating my head against the wall the last few weeks trying to figure out why they aren't getting it.  Today, I had an epiphany. The statement is true.  Even how I am delivering it to them, it is true.  I haven't been mean or fierce or fuming.  My voice is usually at least placid, at best loving.  However, the context is wrong.  The emphasis is misplaced.  Trying to change their negative behavior by pointing out their negative behavior isn't fruitful.  Something that started to pull this together for me was a quote from Elder Dieter ...

I know, scandalous... maybe.  The Mormon girl writes a book review on the Sabbath, but seriously, this is Sabbath worthy. Before I even begin, I feel like I should make a disclaimer that although, I can see some parallels between my marriage and Lonnie and Gideon's, the differences are many and huge.  My husband and I were ecstatic to finally be getting married on our wedding day; we wanted to be there with each other.  And we have wanted to be together every day since.  There.  Disclaimer over.  Now onto the book review. Here's another surprise, the Mormon girl read a 'Christian' novel.  I have never read a novel classified as 'Christian' before.  I have read many books by authors that are Christian and that have Christian undertones before.  And I have read many books by Mormon authors that carry a heavy Latter-day Saint overtones.  However, I can't say I have read an overtly Christian novel before.  Well, maybe, I have read ...

After a crazy back-to-school week, I really needed this reminder.  Enjoy! This video is a short overview of a sermon given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints given in October 2010. If you would like to read, listen to, or watch all of Elder Uchtdorf's sermon, please visit lds.org .

Do you ever have those moments when you realize you are just a dog chasing your own tail? How about, ever have a moment when the world as you know it falls out from under you, or crumbs around you? Ever thought you were ascending the stairway of heaven and discovered that it's a stair master and you weren't actually going anywhere... and in the meantime you are sweating to death and your thighs are on fire? Yeah, I have those moments a lot. Life is just disgustingly hard sometimes, isn't it? Murphy and his notorious law--"If anything can go wrong, it will"--follow me everywhere... even in my sleep. Now I don't want to sound like a total cynic, but it truly has been my experience that, "If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on." Thanks again, Murphy, you're awesome. There are times when I feel like Alice in Wonderland, befuddled and confused, falling through a never-ending hole, never sur...