This is big.
The last year has been an arduous journey to hell and back again. I felt the fire and brimstone licking my very core as memories and awareness were forced upon me. I gagged on the sulfurous fumes, my body racked with sobs, as I saw for the first time the many chains that bound my hands, my feet, indeed, my entire being. I have fought against those chains, my fingers have bled with the effort of prying them off of me. I have cried at night in exhaustion. I have sat like a vegetable during the daytime, unable to move, paralyzed by the task of freeing myself.
And here I am today, laughing in joy as I realize that those chains are falling off by the minute. Every step I take, link by link they are losing their hold over me. And now, in my newfound freedom I am ready. I am daring greatly.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt
Actually, I guess I always have been.
But I am at a point now, when I can actually feel confident. I can see myself as a wife, as a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an employee, a disciple of Christ, as me without shame.
This is big.
I am not cured. I am healed. Healing. And I am human. There will always be shame triggers, those seemingly innocuous moments that set off the "I'm-not-worthy" bomb inside me... but I'm fully aware of those trigger points now and I know how to defuse them. I am in control. I'm the pilot of my soul.
So I leave this with you. The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto. Because you can't give something you don't have and finally, I am beginning to have it.
|Click on the picture to see full-sized :)|
p.s. Dear Reader, if you aren't familiar with Brene Brown, become familiar.
p.p.s. Dear Reader, if you aren't familiar with yourself, if you aren't ok with who you are, isn't it about time? Learn to love yourself. I dare you.