Friday, July 25, 2014

goodbye


Dear Insecure, Unstable, Unlovable Girl,

It’s not you. It’s me. Honest.

I’ve outgrown your skin. I’m too big to live wrapped up tight in your shell, being an observer in my own life. I want to be the main character in my story. I’m no longer content to pass through my days listening to the voices in my head that write my life for me. I want to create my own magic.

I’ve met this man. He’s a good man. He makes me laugh. He shows me all the ways I’m beautiful. He grounds me with his kisses and loves me inside my mess. But sometimes, I feel so lonely even when I’m wrapped in his arms. Then, late at night, I cry. I don’t want to cry anymore. I’m exhausted.

I want to laugh all the time. To smile every moment, even in the chaotic, disappointing ones. I want to smile because I’m me. And being me is good. Being me is enough. I want to be present with my family, really present. I want to see and taste and smell them in the seconds that we share together. I want to experience every molecule of forever in the first person from now on.

I’m waking up from the distorted daydreams of insecurity, instability and shame. The real me isn’t you. It’s my greatest desire to wake up excited for the day, knowing I have a purpose, that I love deeply and that I am loved deeply in return. I’ve come to learn those things aren’t possible if I’m with you. It’s time I lived on my own.

Thank you for seeing me through my darkest moments. You preserved us when I wasn’t able to. You soldiered on, carrying the weight of us both for so long. It’s hard to let you go, we’ve been through so much together. You’re the only one that’s ever truly understood. I’m scared. I’m crying thinking of letting you go forever. But, my dear girl, it’s time. It is time for you to rest and time for me to break free from our gilded cage and fly for us both. I’ll carry me from now on.

I will never forget you. I won’t forget your pain, your longsuffering, or your remarkable capacity for love.

Though we can no longer continue on together, know that I dedicate all my molecules and moments of forever to you.

All my love,
The New Stable, Secure, Loveable Womanly Me



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